I've been trying to think of something funny or lighthearted to write about following my"deep" post of late. I'm coming up short on that idea, and feeling very heavy. Everywhere I turn these last couple of days, I'm hearing heavy duty life altering stories. Let's see, here's just a few: my aunt's newly found breast cancer has spread to her lymph nodes, my mom's aunt, who is like a mother to her, has been given 4 months to live, an old friend of the family passed away, a pastor's son, whom I went to school with for a time has died in a car accident, the pastor at our church's nephew died last week in Afghanistan, another family friends favorite doctor died in a freak hiking accident !! OH MY GOSH... I 've heard all of this since Sunday afternoon. The bad news just keeps coming in! I've made the mistake of watching the news too..... there has seriously been about 5 children under the age of 5 who have died this last week alone, in our area: 2 drownings, 1 falling out a window, 1 in which a tricycle flipped over onto the toddler and later he died of a damaged liver!! I don't even know what the last one was. I want to just stop answering the phone and reading my email, and watching TV ! Life is really hard, isn't it? We are all trying to cope and function despite the hardest things for us humans to bear. We all have loss. Loss of life, loss of health, loss of money, loss of homes, jobs, pets, respect, hope.... I could go on and on! This is a tough tough world, and I hope for myself to continue finding those ways of coping in a positive way. I hope to pour lots of love onto my family, I hope to find creative things as outlets ( painting, photography,gardening, decorating), I hope to journal more here on my blog, I hope to get together with my friends and talk and laugh, and I hope to grow in my relationship with God to develop a better trust and understanding of Him.
(I hope to use a lot of comedy too... I think I'm going to go rent a funny movie for this evening!! ) Afterall, Laughter is my favorite medicine!!!
As I lie in the quiet darkness before falling asleep each night, thoughts, emotions and words begin to flow through my body. Tonight they pressed me to get up and see my babies. The intensity of love overwhelms me for them, and I begin to have feelings of concern, guilt, doubt, joy, passion and some feelings that don't even have words. I am drawn into Grayson's room first as I can hear him kicking and turning in his crib. I can see that he is slightly awake, so I pick him up, I needed the excuse for a midnight cuddling with my littlest baby. I snuggle him into my arms and we nestle into the rocking chair together. I press his little face to mine and feel that he is warm. My mind worries. Is it a fever? Is he teething? Is it bothering him? I will comfort him, just in case. I softly sing and stroke his warm head wondering how he has grown so quickly. Have I missed any moments? Have I sung and rocked him enough through these months? Do I have a strong enough connection with this little soul? Will he love me as much as I love him? Oh why has this time gone so quickly? Then guilt, wanting to be a better mother, and love him even deeper. Then a type of strong emotion fills my body that doesn't have a word, only a mother knows this feeling. I know I need to put him back down to sleep, but letting go hurts. Speaking of letting go, I must go to Madalyne's room now. For she has grown way too big, and I don't want her to slip from my grasp yet, she is so precious, and is also growing way too quickly, I don't know how to hold on to the sweetest and most innocent of times with her. I know this sweet time will pass and soon she will not want me to snuggle with her every night, reading her stories, and kissing her little cheeks. She will not pick me flowers, and beg me to play horsies. As she sleeps soundly I move 'wolfie', her stuffed husky dog, and climb in beside her. And even more intense emotions flow. I listen to her deep breathing, and remember, with pain, the morning she stopped breathing, and a mother's heart died. This sound in her lungs is a sound this mother will always need to hear. I remember the day she painted her face with my red lipstick, and all the other many times the little girl has made me laugh. I swell with tears as I beg the Lord to preserve my life, so that I may raise her with the best advice and love, and security only a mother can bring. She is almost 5. The age my mother lost her mom to cancer, and has had a lifetime of pain missing that mother's love. So I find myself begging the Lord now, to let me be there, and be exactly what she needs, what he needs. How can this love be so great? How can I be better tomorrow. Today I shouldn't have spoken so harshly, I should've spent more time...... The tears flow at midnight.
Amazing to me the noise in our lives. The noise and busyness that keeps our true feelings buried. With morning light we hold deep inside the "feelings" we possess. We hold the beach ball down under the water. We cope, we move, we do, we forget. That is untill the next quiet falls over, and then we feel. Then we remember. I want to remember to live my day while feeling the full intensity of things that come over me at night. Lest I forget the littlest things I hold so dear.
Alright, so I know I'm totally boring lately here on my blog!
I really am searching for what to write about. I don't always want to write about my kids, but that seems to be what I'm doing most. I want to be writing about all aspects of my life, but I'm not quite sure what parts just yet. I do not want a blog to just be about my rants of the stinky things going on in my life, but I don't want it perfectly jolly all the time either. I find myself scared of writing on too many opinions on politics or religion, in fear of those who disagree leaving me hurtful comments! I want to express myself in all angles, creatively. I'm just not quite sure what exactly that looks like just yet. I might join in some of the blogger clubs that give you exactly what to write on certain days, i.e. : self-portrait day, poem day, etc. This is supposed to be MY space on the web to do whatever I want , say whatever I want, and here I am, stumped! Stumped by some fear, by mental blocks, and by time constraints ! I'm hoping to very, very soon jump free and start writing with sheer wild abandon !
Now that I have moved back from thewordpress blog, I needed to freshen up my blogspot blog. My friend Rachel (threedayblog.blogspot.com) has been dabbling more and more in web design, and sharply noticed that my blog was, well, boring. She got me excited about it by telling me I was "decorating". That phrase will get me interested in just about anything. She has done a fabulous job, and I'm very happy about it. My favorite is the footer... scroll down to the bottom of the page and check it out! So creative, and chic too! I'm lovin' it! And feeling much more inspired about my little blog too!
You know you're shopping at a high class place when you hear these words..... " Just one pack a butt covers today?" Yup, that's exactly what I heard from the young gentlemen behind the Wal-Mart check out counter. It took me a second to decide on my response, as I handed him the box of diapers. I gave him the courtesy laugh, and said, "Yes, mom's take care of all ends, don't they." You really think that would be enough, but there's more. He continues, " Yeah, last time I bought butt covers, I had to buy toilet paper too. HAH, I had to make sure all our butts were covered!"
Thank the Lord my four year old wasn't paying attention......
I had much fun wandering through my dad's garden this week. The summer has brought out the most beautiful colors! I was glad to have brought along my camera as I began to see photographs all around me. These are just a few.
"To revel in the wonders of life, to think, to remember, to dream..... this is to know happiness"!
I love to read, cook, take walks, travel, decorate, paint, I love flowers, dark chocolate, and romance! I love my kids and my hubby with all my heart. I can't stand lima beans, horror movies, mean people, and the tough realities in life!